Last night the 12 hour Sudafed I took at 7am was wearing off...like to the minute 12 hours later.
Nice work Sudafed.
And I started suffocating on mucous. Seriously choking and gasping for air. It was as dramatic as you are imagining it.
I was legit drowning but didn't want to take another Sudafed because I knew I wouldn't sleep well with all that German Pseudoephedrine pumping through me, but the alternative was bleak so I took the pill and fuck me if I didn't toss and turn all night long. On the off chance I actually drifted off I started coughing uncontrollably, or Dennis and Jack would start snoring so loud I wanted to punch them both, and I'm not one to ever want to punch a dog but delirium is not a friendly place. On top of that I drank about 64 gallons of water yesterday to flush this crud out of my system, so if I wasn't tossing, coughing, or contemplating pushing Dennis and his little dog right off the edge of the bed I was peeing.
Now I'm up and ready for this Friday to get to getting. I'm washing down today's 7am Sudafed dose with some strong coffee because I don't think I can stay awake otherwise. Five o'clock, you better get here fast because my productively level is already at zero and anything I do accomplish today will be half-assed and full of mistakes.
Thursday
Dear Dennis, I'm sorry
Dear Dennis,
I'm sorry for making fun of your man cold last week because now that I have it I realize you were actually dying and instead of helping you I was annoyed by your wimpers. Also, that time I told you to suck it up buttercup because your foot hurt and I was convinced you just had arthritis because you are old and fat and it turned out that you need bone spur surgery. Whoops. Sorry about that too. Also, I hope you don't get sick again from my germs in your lunch wraps that I still had to make even though I am on my death bed. And one more thing, thank you for yelling at the kids from the couch on my behalf to do their chores and get to bed. Even though they didn't listen and there was a sink full of dishes waiting for me this morning, it is not your fault. They are a-holes.
All my love,
Adrienn
Wednesday
This week has been pretty great.
I'm happy with the haircut I got on Saturday, I busted ass on Sunday prepping meals for the week and catching up on ALL the laundry and ALL the dirty dishes-all before noon. Oh yeah, I washed my sheets too.
I know, right, what the fuck
I finally pulled the plug and unfriended a vaguebook troller who I actually know in real life which is only mildly awkward, mostly because I care very little. Went to the gym after work yesterday and had a pretty great workout.
Restlessly slept and got up at wake up time with heavy chills feeling like garbage. I believe I cooked breakfast, packed a lunch and mumbled to my family I was sick and going back to bed. Slept till 1, made some tea, finished The Book Thief which was a terrible idea because crying with a congested chest hurts.
It's not a spoiler. The book is set in Nazi Germany during World War II, you should know you will cry when you pick it up.
It's November, so with that spirit I will say I am thankful I prepped all the meals for the week and have clean sheets and towels because I'm going to feel like shit for a few days.
Now it's almost 3pm, and I'm feeling more human as the day goes on and I almost folded my kids laundry.
Just look at me. LOOK.
I took a sick day to rest and recoup as much as possible before tomorrow morning and the second I begin to remotely feel better I start folding laundry.
Maybe that's just who we are. We've had so many conversations lately about the mental load of mothers, and maybe it's just because that's who we are and we argue in favor of equality for it but probably wouldn't trust it completely in the hands of our spouses anyway.
Like seriously just let me do it.
I'm going to make myself some toast now.
I know, right, what the fuck
I finally pulled the plug and unfriended a vaguebook troller who I actually know in real life which is only mildly awkward, mostly because I care very little. Went to the gym after work yesterday and had a pretty great workout.
Restlessly slept and got up at wake up time with heavy chills feeling like garbage. I believe I cooked breakfast, packed a lunch and mumbled to my family I was sick and going back to bed. Slept till 1, made some tea, finished The Book Thief which was a terrible idea because crying with a congested chest hurts.
It's not a spoiler. The book is set in Nazi Germany during World War II, you should know you will cry when you pick it up.
It's November, so with that spirit I will say I am thankful I prepped all the meals for the week and have clean sheets and towels because I'm going to feel like shit for a few days.
Now it's almost 3pm, and I'm feeling more human as the day goes on and I almost folded my kids laundry.
Just look at me. LOOK.
I took a sick day to rest and recoup as much as possible before tomorrow morning and the second I begin to remotely feel better I start folding laundry.
Maybe that's just who we are. We've had so many conversations lately about the mental load of mothers, and maybe it's just because that's who we are and we argue in favor of equality for it but probably wouldn't trust it completely in the hands of our spouses anyway.
Like seriously just let me do it.
I'm going to make myself some toast now.
Friday
Taylor Swift is not allegedly doing anything, she's doing it.
This morning Taylor Swift took the stand to testify over an alleged groping incident at a meet-and-greet back in June 2013. She accused former KYGO morning-show DJ David Mueller of grabbing her bare ass while posing for a photo with her and his then girlfriend, Shannon Melcher. The ass grabbing, which resulted in Mueller getting fired, happened back stage before her Red Tour concert.
Once the head of the radio station heard about the allegations he fired Mueller fearing the backlash from the incident might cause the station some unwanted flak.
Mueller is claiming that their interaction was just them "jostling" for a photo and suggested the possibility that she had misidentified Mueller.
Mueller sued Swift, her mother, Andrea Swift, and Swift's radio coordinator, Frank Bell, for roughly $3 million in damages mainly due to his lost wages and now tainted reputation. Taylor Swift can easily afford to settle this whole thing and move on, but she can also afford the legal fees to counter-sue Mueller for being a swinish opportunist who thought it would be funny to grab her bare ass cheek and tell all his friends about that one time he grabbed Taylor Swift's bare ass cheek, so that's what she's decided to do. And now he's trying to weasel money out of her after things went in a direction he didn't expect, so she answers by counter-sueing him for $1 like a great big "HEY. FUCK YOU DUDE" and it's my favorite thing on the internet right now.
Swift countersued for sexual assault because Mueller did NOT allegedly grab her bare ass, but rather actually grabbed a handful of her ass for real. As if that's not enough to rile some solidarity from women everywhere who are sick and tired of douchebags like him getting away with shit like this she is earning a whole lot of respect for court room comments like this:
"I'm not going to allow you or your client to make me feel in any way that this is my fault, because it isn't," she said.
"I am being blamed for the unfortunate events of his life that are a product of his decisions and not mine," Swift added later.
Looking at the photo, McFarland (Mueller's attorney) asked Swift why the front of her skirt did not appear to be lifted.
"Because my ass is located in the back of my body," Swift said.
McFarland also noted that Swift was closer to Melcher than Mueller in the photo.
"Yes, she did not have her hand on my ass," Swift replied.
Touche...
Sunday
Sometimes when he's not being an ass he is really smart.
A few years ago I talked Dennis into letting me get an outside cat to control the mouse population around our property because a mouse got into the kitchen and chewed up some spatulas in the drawer and I had to burn down the house.
If you think I really burned down my house you need to leave.
Me: I want an outside cat to keep the mice out of the house.
Dennis: No.
We got Henry from a friend's herd of inbred barn cats. He was terrified of us and spent the first week in the tippy-top of a super tall cottonwood tree, then fell out but he was okay. Within three months we found out Henry was a she, and a mama, and Voila we had four outside cats.
When we had her spayed, the tech told me she had an abscess in her mouth that may someday bother her when she eats, so when she didn't come running for her breakfast yesterday I thought This is it, but it turns out she's a murderer. A baby murderer who has been eating some of the fledglings who are coming to the bird feeders with their parents.
Me: *pouting*
Dennis: Uh...she's a cat. Cats eat birds.
After Dennis and the oldest made fun of me for being so sad about the dead birds he suggested I put a little fence around the feeders, so at least Henry will have to jump it to get the birds who eat off the ground, and that might buy them enough time to fly away. Sometimes when he's not being an ass he is really smart.
P.S. You are probably wondering why I didn't blame the baby bird eating on the other three cats. Tom, our favorite kitten, was hit by a car when he was a year old but not before he impregnated his sister, Mixie. After scraping Tom off the road Dennis said Mixie had to come inside to have her babies. She had two, we kept one and gave one away. Mixie and her baby, George, still live with us in the house. Owen and Henry kept each other company outside until last October when Owen disappeared. Henry couldn't care less that he's gone because she only thinks about herself.
If you think I really burned down my house you need to leave.
Me: I want an outside cat to keep the mice out of the house.
Dennis: No.
We got Henry from a friend's herd of inbred barn cats. He was terrified of us and spent the first week in the tippy-top of a super tall cottonwood tree, then fell out but he was okay. Within three months we found out Henry was a she, and a mama, and Voila we had four outside cats.
When we had her spayed, the tech told me she had an abscess in her mouth that may someday bother her when she eats, so when she didn't come running for her breakfast yesterday I thought This is it, but it turns out she's a murderer. A baby murderer who has been eating some of the fledglings who are coming to the bird feeders with their parents.
Me: *pouting*
Dennis: Uh...she's a cat. Cats eat birds.
After Dennis and the oldest made fun of me for being so sad about the dead birds he suggested I put a little fence around the feeders, so at least Henry will have to jump it to get the birds who eat off the ground, and that might buy them enough time to fly away. Sometimes when he's not being an ass he is really smart.
P.S. You are probably wondering why I didn't blame the baby bird eating on the other three cats. Tom, our favorite kitten, was hit by a car when he was a year old but not before he impregnated his sister, Mixie. After scraping Tom off the road Dennis said Mixie had to come inside to have her babies. She had two, we kept one and gave one away. Mixie and her baby, George, still live with us in the house. Owen and Henry kept each other company outside until last October when Owen disappeared. Henry couldn't care less that he's gone because she only thinks about herself.
Thursday
I think I'm years away from shitting my shoes.
Two times today I peed, then stood up to pull my pants up without wiping and I'm pretty sure this is how dementia starts. One day you're going to the bathroom like a normal person and the next day you stand up and forget to wipe.
When my grandma started showing signs of dementia, my cousin's wife (a nurse) told us she would eventually not know what everyday items are used for, like someday she might look at the stove and throw some dirty laundry in there and burn her house down.
We were concerned, so we asked Social Services to do an in-home evaluation of her to certify we weren't completely mad for letting her live alone. She passed their tests, then a few days later poured fabric softener on her cornflakes, shit herself and answered the door to sign for a package with no pants and diarrhea on her shoes. We got a call from adult protective services.
I think I'm years away from shitting my shoes, but I do have moments of intense confusion that leave me momentarily unsettled, like today when I forgot to wipe my piss. Twice.
I also frequently drive around autonomously and spend about 3 terrifying seconds wondering where the hell I am before I figure it out.
There are so many more examples I'm going to talk about when I remember them, so check in again. I'll update this post as they come to me.
When my grandma started showing signs of dementia, my cousin's wife (a nurse) told us she would eventually not know what everyday items are used for, like someday she might look at the stove and throw some dirty laundry in there and burn her house down.
We were concerned, so we asked Social Services to do an in-home evaluation of her to certify we weren't completely mad for letting her live alone. She passed their tests, then a few days later poured fabric softener on her cornflakes, shit herself and answered the door to sign for a package with no pants and diarrhea on her shoes. We got a call from adult protective services.
I think I'm years away from shitting my shoes, but I do have moments of intense confusion that leave me momentarily unsettled, like today when I forgot to wipe my piss. Twice.
I also frequently drive around autonomously and spend about 3 terrifying seconds wondering where the hell I am before I figure it out.
There are so many more examples I'm going to talk about when I remember them, so check in again. I'll update this post as they come to me.
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